|Now, I'm actually too lazy to go back and check, but I'm pretty sure this last year's resolution was for me to achieve the...uh...improbable.|
I put a deadline on "finding myself," or the idea that I would learn enough about myself in order to understand the way I work.
I must admit, that is no easy task.
What I have learned throughout 2012 is this: One cannot simply be "found," but can be understood more and more over time.
Indeed, I have a much better idea of the person I am now than what I had at the beginning of the year, and even more than the year before that, and so on.
This is not something I could have put a deadline on. There's nothing that's going to just "click" in an instant, no big revelation that will occur.
It will continue to happen, just as I continue to grow.
Strangely enough, what I should've aimed for is more independence in my personality.
Still, that comes in time, and can't be rushed.
Although I couldn't achieve the goal I threw in front of myself, I was at least able to understand just how gradual the path actually is.
I will learn to fully accept the person that I am, but I will not force myself to.
And now, the new year. It's 2013 now. I've actually made a whole new group of friends, and I'm definitely enjoying their company (as I hope they're enjoying mine).
Jokingly, I made a resolution to pass some harder songs on IIDX...
...But what is my actual resolution this time around?
Should I continue to focus on improving myself?
Is it finally time for me to get to mastering and releasing my music?
Am I truly going to pursue education in engineering?
Will I ever find out how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?
This isn't the end of the world (lawlawlawlawl). To be honest, I have plenty more years to figure all of this out.
For this year, I think I'm going to go with...
Contrary to Mike's remarks, this does not mean I'm going to be literally leading the people around me.
I'm going to learn to hold the personality of a leader.
I'm going to learn to lead by example.
I want to be a better person, but not just for myself.
I want to become someone that people can count on, can look up to, can be proud of.
By the end of this year, I plan to understand the personality traits I've ignored over the years.
Wish me luck!
|Whoa, FL10 is miles ahead of FL7!|
My stuff is sounding so much better now.
This is the perfect opportunity to finish some new trance tracks (especially since I can finally sidechain).
Besides that, I'm actually working on a new collaboration project with a friend from the Break.
It's going to be a sort of synth/rock fusion. Hopefully it'll go well!
Guess that's it for now. Don't really want to talk about what Sandy caused. >_>
|I need to talk, but I guess I'll just be the one to listen this time.|
It's all just setting in again. Nothing really new.
Oh, and I survived a hurricane.
Other than that, awaiting bad news about my job while I'm already low on money...
All in all, though, I'm just upset about the same stuff. I'm still alone.
Now my friend's over the girl who wronged him, and is dating someone new already.
I should really just be happy for him, but I swear, it's just a freaking cakewalk for those who aren't me.
And all my other friends? The single ones are like that because they WANT to be.
But I don't. I never wanted to be.
I just wanted companionship. Is it really too much?
It's now been three years, and I'm back where I started.
The same cold winter that greeted me back home.
"Well, do something about it!"
"Come on, don't have a girlfriend yet?"
"Hey, you need to step up your game!"
"Just wait, she'll eventually come along."
"Life won't wait! Get out there!"
"I can find one. Why can't you?"
YES, EVERYONE. You're right. It's me.
I forgot to hit the magic button that makes people talk to me.
Thanks for the help.
It's still going on! Skies are gray, nothing new is happening, and I'm continuing to feel like I'm a ghost in everyone else's world.
I need to apply to Rutgers, but since I missed the application for the fall, I need to try and get in for January...
What a pain. Life's going to be a waiting game once again until next year, when things go back to moving uncomfortably fast.
Isn't there a middle ground? It's so hard to find a satisfying pace.
I guess it just has to be too little or too much, just like the rest of my life.
And when am I going to find someone else to share it with? Is it really so bad to be with someone who isn't successful just yet?
"I don't want a project."
One of the most disgustingly moronic things I've ever heard...
Being raised the way I was, I would think that a lot of the human population would share a sense of empathy with one another.
I don't think I've ever been more wrong.
|Over here, in today's society, people can simply judge you based on how much you've accomplished in your life.|
Generally, it's only shown by where you are in the social ladder, since the means themselves never matter.
Upon meeting a person for the first time, one of the first questions I get is "Well, what do you do?"
I'm pretty sure the proper response should pertain to normal human processes, but they always seem to be looking for more, like "I directed this movie," or "I own this bank," or "I'm a CEO of some major corporation."
I guess that, in a way, it's fair to use someone's accomplishments to paint a picture of the type of person they are, but what happens to those like me, who haven't exactly broken any world records?
Simple. Look at me right now.
Generally, if I want a place in the world, I have to first prove I'm better than others. That way, they, and only they, will have any sort of respect for me.
Why can't we all be treated as equals? Simply because some of us aren't good enough.
I haven't proven myself because I find the whole process to be disgusting. As a child, I was tired of people having these stupid expectations for me, while limiting what I could actually do. Through adolescence, I was simply ignored for not having proven myself in the early years. And now? Same as it ever was. No one would believe I am their equal, for I have nothing to show for it.
It's a stupid charade that I don't want to be a part of. Just accept me for who I am. Is it really that hard?